Stand-Up Comedians' Quotes and Jokes about Alcohol

46 quotes

This homeless guy asked me for money the other day. I was about to give it to him and then I thought he was going to use it on drugs or alcohol. And then I thought, that's what I'm going to use it on. Why am I judging this poor bastard?

Before they give you a lethal injection, they swab your arm with alcohol. It's true. Well, they don't want you to get an infection, and you can see their point. They don't want some guy go to hell and be sick.

I have never even had a sip of alcohol, never have done drugs. The hardest thing I have ever done would be Pepsi.

Men like beer and something naked.

Did you ever drink so much of a certain type of alcohol that you get so sick, that you can never drink the same kind of alcohol again? I’ve decided that is how I’m going to quit drinking. One-at-a-time.

I want to be a bloated alcoholic. That's my goal - it is, I'm serious, because there is no other disease that is more fun than alcoholism. I know it has its downside, but I'll tell you, there's no other party disease like alcohol.

Some people can handle alcohol. You know who you are. Some people can't handle alcohol. The police know who you are.

You know, I don't think Richie would go to my Uncle Bert and go, 'Hey, I understand you got bowel cancer. Oh man, I know how you feel, I gotta drink a lot of booze. What's your symptoms, Uncle Bert?' 'Well, my bowel, I got blood pouring out of it all the time? and I got searing, clawing pains?ripping, tearing, mind-screeching bowel pains?and they're combined with aching, dull, soul-deadening bowel pain. Those are basically my symptoms; how 'bout you?' 'I get happy. I tend to be able to talk to people easier, I find. Sometimes, I'll meet a lady at a bar, got the same disease I do, and I'll fuck her.'

I am not promoting the use of drugs, I'm just saying if you're gonna have a war against drugs, have 'em against all drugs including alcohol, the number one offender, or shut the fuck up!

Alcohol is like pouring smiles on your brain.

If they took all the drugs, nicotine, alcohol and caffeine off the market for six days, they'd have to bring out the tanks to control you.

I'm very serious about no alcohol, no drugs. Life is too beautiful.

I got sober. I stopped killing myself with alcohol. I began to think: 'Wait a minute - if I can stop doing this, what are the possibilities?' And slowly it dawned on me that it was maybe worth the risk.

No, I got a better one. If you ever crack open a beer during a eulogy, you might be a redneck.

I got my dog three years ago because I was drunk in a pet store. We had nine cats at the time. The cats started hiding the alcohol after that.