Stand-Up Comedians' Quotes and Jokes about Husband

60 quotes

My husband, Fang, is so dumb I once said, "There’s a dead bird." He looked up.

Calling Angelina Jolie a husband stealer is like calling Hitler a vegetarian. It’s true, but it’s hardly the fuckin’ story, is it?

My mom shot and killed her last husband. Yeah, my dad used to say "Hey, dodged that bullet. Ha ha."

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.

A survey asked married women when they most want to have sex. 84 per cent of them said right after their husband is finished.

Who wants to blow their husband? You want to blow a guy that you've been dating. And he's mysterious and you suck his cock and go home. Who wants to blow a guy and then go to IKEA with him all day?

As a housewife, I feel that if the kids are still alive when my husband gets home from work, then hey, I've done my job.

I can’t keep referring to basketball players as Khloe Kardashian’s husband and his friends.

My husband wanted to be cremated. I told him I'd scatter his ashes at Neiman Marcus - that way, I'd visit him every day.

I think it's a really selfish thing, especially if your guy isn't making a lot of money, to make him go out and blow money on a shiny fucking rock that was dug out of the ground by a fucking 8 year old. Ya know? Just because you're not mature enough as an adult to walk up to all your other girlfriends with your engagement ring and letting it be something other than a diamond or at the very least letting it be a diamond that your future husband can afford.

The one thing women don't want to find in their stockings on Christmas morning is their husband.

The difference between a divorce and a legal separation is that a legal separation gives a husband time to hide his money.

My husband killed himself. And it was my fault. We were making love and I took the bag off my head.

A man is at the bar, drunk. I pick him up off the floor, and offer to take him home. On the way to my car, he falls down three times. When I get to his house, I help him out of the car, and on the way to the front door, he falls down four more times. I ring the bell and say, "Here's your husband!" The man's wife says, "Where's his wheelchair?"

I feel like Zsa Zsa Gabor's sixth husband. I know what I'm supposed to do, but I don't know how to make it interesting.