Stand-Up Comedians' Quotes and Jokes about Kids

49 quotes

"There’s no excuse for domestic violence." It sounds like a challenge. I mean, does everything have to be so black-and-white in this kindergarten country of ours? What if you come home from a long day at work and your wife has drowned two of your kids - she’s about to dunk the third one. Can you run over and pop her then? "Unfortunately no, there’s no excuse. You’re going to have to let her drown that third one."

"Wait up!" That's what kids say. They don't say "wait", they say "Wait up! Hey, wait up!" 'Cause when you're little, your life is up. The future is up. Everything you want is up. "Wait up! Hold up! Shut up! Mom, I'll clean up! Let me stay up!" Parents of course are just the opposite. Everything is down. "Just calm down. Slow down. Come down here. Sit down. Put that down."

“I heard this lady say “I love kids.” That’s nice, a little weird though. It’s like saying “I like people, for a little while.” “How old are you? 14? Fuck off!” You can say “I love kids” as a general statement, that’s fine. It’s when you get specific that you get in to trouble. “I love twelve-year-olds.”

I had a happy childhood in a nice suburban area, pretty idyllic, upper middle class and very, very white. My dad is an attorney. My mother is a housewife. They had five kids in seven years: me, my brother, and three sisters. I’m the oldest. We were all very active. My mother was exhausted.

There's something about the ice cream truck that makes kids lose it. And they can hear that shit from ten blocks away. They don't hear their mothers calling but they can hear that motherfucking ice cream truck.

What we’ve done with our modern food supply is absolute insanity. It’s not even real any more. You used to be able to give a kid an apple and they would love it. Kids can’t even taste apples any more. Apples taste like paper to kids now.

About a month ago some kids in my neighborhood were playing hide-and-go-seek and one of them ended up in an abandoned refrigerator. It's all anybody talked about for weeks. I said, 'Who cares? How many kids you know get to die a winner?'

I’ve got a long history of suicide in my family; the good news is it skips a generation, so, if I’m lucky, my kids will kill themselves.

Kids are like buckets of disease that live in your house.

Your kids should not affect my life at all, but they do; I have to pay for HBO just to hear a comedian say "fuck" to protect your kids.

Being single at 41 after ten years of marriage and two kids is difficult. That’s like having a bunch of money in the currency of a country that doesn’t exist anymore.

"It's the violence in the media that's the problem..." No, the problem is a lot of your kids are dicks and you won't do shit about it.

When girls go wild, they show their tits to people. When women go wild, they kill men and drown their kids in a tub.

Kids will spend $500 on sneakers but won`t spend $200 on "Hooked-on-Phonics".

That’s why my girlfriend and I broke up: she wanted kids, and I... well, she wanted kids. I had no idea her philosophy was that flawed. She goes, “Wouldn’t it be nice to have a kid? To have this fresh, clean slate which we could fill. A little clean spirit, innocent, and to fill it with good ideas.” Yeah, yeah, how about this? If you’re so fucking altruistic, why don’t you leave the little clean spirit wherever it is right now? Okay? Horrible act, childbirth. Nightmare. Bringing... I would never bring a kid to this fucking planet.