Stand-Up Comedians' Quotes and Jokes about Life

48 quotes

"Wait up!" That's what kids say. They don't say "wait", they say "Wait up! Hey, wait up!" 'Cause when you're little, your life is up. The future is up. Everything you want is up. "Wait up! Hold up! Shut up! Mom, I'll clean up! Let me stay up!" Parents of course are just the opposite. Everything is down. "Just calm down. Slow down. Come down here. Sit down. Put that down."

Why do people measure life by the years instead of how good the years were?

Life is like animal porn, it's not for everyone.

People say 'my phone sucks.' No it doesn't! The shittiest cellphone in the world is a miracle. Your life sucks. Around the phone.

You only live once, but once is more than enough if you live it well!

Drugs are so fucking good that they'll ruin your life.

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.

Our job is improving the quality of life not just delaying death.

Life opens up opportunities to you, and you either take them or you stay afraid of taking them.

I am a player in life, not an observer. I look at herpes the way you look at a scraped knee.

I don’t do much. I’m too lazy. That’s my problem. Hang around my couch, watching the TV. Just too lazy. I realized this the other day, I get hit my a truck tomorrow - a big truck could hit me - paralyze me from the neck down. Wouldn’t effect my lifestyle a bit really.

When people say "life is short". What the fuck? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever fucking does! What can you do that's longer?

People say life begins at conception, I say life began about a billion years ago and it's a continuous process.

Oh sorry, I was taking life seriously.

Your kids should not affect my life at all, but they do; I have to pay for HBO just to hear a comedian say "fuck" to protect your kids.