Stand-Up Comedians' Quotes and Jokes about Parents

55 quotes

"Wait up!" That's what kids say. They don't say "wait", they say "Wait up! Hey, wait up!" 'Cause when you're little, your life is up. The future is up. Everything you want is up. "Wait up! Hold up! Shut up! Mom, I'll clean up! Let me stay up!" Parents of course are just the opposite. Everything is down. "Just calm down. Slow down. Come down here. Sit down. Put that down."

When I was a kid my parents used to tell me, "Emo, don't go near the cellar door!" One day when they were away, I went up to the cellar door. And I pushed it and walked through and saw strange, wonderful things, things I had never seen before, like... trees, grass, flowers, the sun... that was nice...

I’m in magazines full of model teens so far above you. So, read them and hate yourself and pay me to tell you I love you. And the parents always come along, cause their little girl is in love, and how could love be wrong?

We just found out my little brother has a peanut allergy, which is very serious I know. But still I feel like my parents are totally overreacting - they caught me eating a tiny little bag of airline peanuts and they kicked me out of his funeral.

I have no religion because I was born and raised Jewish. And on the first night of Hanukkah, my parents, when I was very young, gave me a top to play with. They called it a dreidel. I knew it was a top. And as I looked at that top, I said, 'You know. I don't think I'm gonna be Jewish for very long.'

You know what they say: 'Once you go black, your parents don't talk to you anymore.'

Breaking is tough, turns are tough, but telling your parents you’re gay is the hardest part of rollerblading.

My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty and that's the law.

Baby, were your parents retarded, 'cause you sure are special...

White parents use time out. My mom used a different type of time out. She'd be like, 'There... take time out to pick up your teeth.'

Sun is bad for you. Everything our parents said was good is bad. Sun, milk, red meat... college.

When I was born, I was my parents favorite. But then they seemed to forgot all about me, once they adopted that stupid highway.

If you get offended by words - by noises we make with our mouths - it means you were raised by bad parents.

My parents hated me. All I ever heard was, "Why can't you be like your cousin Shelia? Why can't you be like your cousin Shelia?" Shelia had died at birth.

I was at my parents' house all day - because I live there.