Stand-Up Comedians' Quotes and Jokes about Parents

55 quotes

"Wait up!" That's what kids say. They don't say "wait", they say "Wait up! Hey, wait up!" 'Cause when you're little, your life is up. The future is up. Everything you want is up. "Wait up! Hold up! Shut up! Mom, I'll clean up! Let me stay up!" Parents of course are just the opposite. Everything is down. "Just calm down. Slow down. Come down here. Sit down. Put that down."

I’m in magazines full of model teens so far above you. So, read them and hate yourself and pay me to tell you I love you. And the parents always come along, cause their little girl is in love, and how could love be wrong?

I have no religion because I was born and raised Jewish. And on the first night of Hanukkah, my parents, when I was very young, gave me a top to play with. They called it a dreidel. I knew it was a top. And as I looked at that top, I said, 'You know. I don't think I'm gonna be Jewish for very long.'

You know what they say: 'Once you go black, your parents don't talk to you anymore.'

When I was a kid my parents used to tell me, "Emo, don't go near the cellar door!" One day when they were away, I went up to the cellar door. And I pushed it and walked through and saw strange, wonderful things, things I had never seen before, like... trees, grass, flowers, the sun... that was nice...

We just found out my little brother has a peanut allergy, which is very serious I know. But still I feel like my parents are totally overreacting - they caught me eating a tiny little bag of airline peanuts and they kicked me out of his funeral.

My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty and that's the law.

If you get offended by words - by noises we make with our mouths - it means you were raised by bad parents.

Sun is bad for you. Everything our parents said was good is bad. Sun, milk, red meat... college.

We're all products of our parents: all your mother's traits are in the egg and all your father's traits are in the sperm. And if I know my parents, that sperm and egg had a fight.

Baby, were your parents retarded, 'cause you sure are special...

When I was born, I was my parents favorite. But then they seemed to forgot all about me, once they adopted that stupid highway.

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

White parents use time out. My mom used a different type of time out. She'd be like, 'There... take time out to pick up your teeth.'

Here’s a bumper sticker I’d like to see: “We are the proud parents of a child who’s self-esteem is sufficient that he doesn’t need us promoting his minor scholastic achievements on the back of our car.”