Stand-Up Comedians' Quotes and Jokes about Food

16 quotes

Fast food I think is like a conspiracy, y’know. I think that’s how they just keep us dumb. You can’t even think after a while, you ever notice that shit? Like you ever had your whole day planned out, you eat one egg McMuffin and you’re just on the couch, ‘Eh, y’know what, fuck my dreams.’

Eating fast food is like murdering hitchhikers. As long as you only do it every once in a while, it will never catch up with you. If the word “nugget” is anywhere on your menu, I won’t eat at your restaurant. For me, mcdonald’s is just an emergency bathroom in over 119 countries. A hamburger shouldn’t cost 99 cents. Eating right is expensive, but what you spend on organic food, you save on new underwear.

What we’ve done with our modern food supply is absolute insanity. It’s not even real any more. You used to be able to give a kid an apple and they would love it. Kids can’t even taste apples any more. Apples taste like paper to kids now.

The food here is terrible, and the portions are too small.

My grandparents - life was food. I go, 'Grandma, I don't feel well. I'm suicidal.' She says, 'You're hungry. You're just hungry.'

I saw this one - it was for cat food - at the end of it, it says, 'All natural food for your cat.' All natural food? But cat food's made out of horse meat. Yeah, that's the way it works in nature: the cat, right above the horse in the food chain.

All men hear is blah, blah, blah, blah, SEX, blah, blah, blah, FOOD, blah, blah, blah, BEER.

I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick. Not wounded. Dead.

Eating crappy food isn't a reward - it's a punishment.

The food here is so tasteless you could eat a meal of it and belch and it wouldn't remind you of anything.

Moses, who said when he came out of Mount Sinai, "The food in that hospital is terrible!" Never got a dinner!

Do not taste food while you’re cooking... you may lose your nerve to eat it.

We got so much food in America we're allergic to food. Allergic to food! Hungry people ain't allergic to shit. You think anyone in Rwanda's got a fucking lactose intolerance?!

Health food would seem healthier if the people that sold it looked less unhealthy.

As life's pleasures go, food is second only to sex. Except for salami and eggs. Now that's better than sex, but only if the salami is thickly sliced.