Stand-Up Comedians' Quotes and Jokes about Age

46 quotes

It's not until you're an adult you appreciate how awesome a dog is. Your dreams start dying, somebody cheats on ya, bankers fuck up your 401k, ya know? Then ya come home and that dog's looking at you and he's like, 'Dude, you're awesome!' It's like No, dude you... You are fucking awesome!'

I'm in my fifties now, which is a cool age. I love being in my fifties because people gotta listen to you now; you've been around for awhile. Now, the other side of that coin is that - cause you're in your fifties - you still care what people think about you. So you kind of filter what you say. Now if that's the case, I can't wait until I'm eighty. Because eighty-year-old people don't give a damn what you think. Think about it: how many eighty-year-old people with any tact at all do you know? None! 'Cause they don't have to! They're eighty! Does Grandma hold her farts in at the dinner table? No! She doesn't have to. She's earned the right to fart at your dinner table. She'll fart at the pearly gates on her way to meet sweet Jesus.

I was in my peak physical condition when I was about like, uh... one. Oh God, I looked good, young and fresh! You wouldn't know me now if you'd seen me when I was one, you know? I even looked good for my age. People would come up to me and go, "what are you, zero?" And I'd go, "no, I'm one over here!"

I'm at the age where I want two girls. In case I fall asleep they will have someone to talk to.

A lot of people my age think stand up sucks.

Age is just a number, unless of course your trying to have a conversation with them.

You know you've reached middle age when you're cautioned to slow down by your doctor, instead of by the police.

Once you leave the womb, conservatives don’t care about you until you reach military age. Then you’re just what they’re looking for. Conservatives want live babies so they can raise them to be dead soldiers.

It's a weird age. They're like, 'Amy, I'm pregnant.' And I still don't know whether to be like, 'Congratulations,' or 'Do you need a ride?'

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

Men are allowed to age. Men are allowed to gain weight. Men are allowed to be quirky looking.

I was always taught to respect my elders and I've now reached the age when I don't have anybody to respect.

When you lie about your age, the terrorists win.

I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do.

How young can you die of old age?