Stand-Up Comedians' Quotes and Jokes about Ex-Girlfriend

13 quotes

My ex-girlfriend had a really weird fetish. She used to like to dress up as herself and then act like a fucking bitch all the time.

My ex-girlfriend owned a parakeet... Oh my god, that fucking thing would never shut up. But the bird was cool.

If I ever saw bat shit, I’d be like, ‘that’s crazy.’ That's some crazy excrement right there. That looks like my ex-girlfriend's personality.

My first regular comedy gig, I hosted an open mic in my college town… One show, I had an ex-girlfriend who showed up to perform. I had to introduce her to the stage. It was very awkward. “Coming to the stage is the cold-hearted bitch who broke my heart. You may know her for not returning my phone calls and also giving out mediocre blowjobs.”

An ex-girlfriend is the same as an okay movie. I liked it at the time, but I don’t really want to see it again. Especially if the movie was kind of… a bitch.

I think my ex-girlfriend has weekly lessons with the devil on how to be more evil. I don’t know what she charges him.

My ex-girlfriend have a lot of like really annoying habits, you know I think the worst was she love to read women’s magazines like Cosmo or things like Cosmo and she would flip straight to the relationship quiz, and not only would she present that to me, as if it was like a fun activity for us to do together, even though every question is designed to fuck my entire world. But even worse is she would get mad at my answers and make me change them, so we’d get the best score.

I think it's cool when an ex-girlfriend becomes an XL girlfriend.

I’ve spent the past two years looking for my ex-girlfriend’s killer... but no one will do it.

My ex-girlfriend, who shall remain nameless – if I’m ever left alone at her tombstone with a sandblaster.

My ex-girlfriend was very sexy. She reminded me of the Sphinx because she was very mysterious and eternal and solid... and her nose was shot off by French soldiers.

I asked my ex-girlfriend, “Do you think we’ll get back together?” She said, “I think the chances are better of me putting Super Unleaded into a rented car.”

My ex girlfriend kept stuffed animals all over her bed. It really killed the mood. Because she was a taxidermist.