Stand-Up Comedians' Quotes and Jokes about Death

36 quotes

Property is theft. Nobody “owns” anything. When you die, it all stays here.

I don't wanna die tomorrow knowing that I could have had a piece of chocolate cake tonight.

I have no fear of death, except I hate waiting for it.

Our job is improving the quality of life not just delaying death.

Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.

When I finished high school I wanted to take all my graduation money and buy myself a motorcycle. Buy my mom said no. See, she had a brother who died in a horrible motorcycle accident when he was 18. And I could just have his motorcycle.

There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?

Death is nature's way of telling us to slow down.

Death – to blink for an exceptionally long period of time.

We all pay for life with death, so everything in between should be free.

I'm coming back. And when I get back, then we'll be together forever - forever and ever and ever - until death. Even beyond - beyond death: two souls enmesh as one soul! One soul floating for all of eternity in the great abyss, the aftermath, that which remains unknown to all who dwell in the trappings of mortal flesh, until the final passing!' Anyway, that's what I left on her answering machine. She hasn't called back yet.

When you die at 72, no matter what you die of, it's natural causes. Even if you get hit by a truck, it's natural causes. 'Cause if you was younger, you'd have got out the way!

Death is nature's way of saying, "Your table's ready."

Death is an acquired trait.

Don't think of death as an ending. Think of it as a really effective way of cutting down your expenses.