Stand-Up Comedians' Quotes and Jokes about Death

36 quotes

Property is theft. Nobody “owns” anything. When you die, it all stays here.

I don't wanna die tomorrow knowing that I could have had a piece of chocolate cake tonight.

I have no fear of death, except I hate waiting for it.

Our job is improving the quality of life not just delaying death.

When I finished high school I wanted to take all my graduation money and buy myself a motorcycle. Buy my mom said no. See, she had a brother who died in a horrible motorcycle accident when he was 18. And I could just have his motorcycle.

Death is nature's way of telling us to slow down.

Death – to blink for an exceptionally long period of time.

Death is an acquired trait.

Monogamy is god's way of making death seem like a more reasonable option.

I'm coming back. And when I get back, then we'll be together forever - forever and ever and ever - until death. Even beyond - beyond death: two souls enmesh as one soul! One soul floating for all of eternity in the great abyss, the aftermath, that which remains unknown to all who dwell in the trappings of mortal flesh, until the final passing!' Anyway, that's what I left on her answering machine. She hasn't called back yet.

Death to all fanatics!

You should never die for your beliefs, because what if you're wrong?

Death is nature's way of saying, "Your table's ready."

So then, what do you believe in? Sex and death. Two things that come once in my lifetime. But at least after death you're not nauseous.

On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down.