Why do people measure life by the years instead of how good the years were?
Stand-Up Comedians' Quotes and Jokes about People
A lot of people say that it's a lack of vocabulary that makes you swear. Rubbish. I know thousands of words but I still prefer "fuck".
I used to like people more, but now I have children and that changes your life in a lot of ways. Like you spend time with people you never would have chosen to spend time with, not in a million years. I spend whole days with people, I'm like, "I never would have hung out with you. I didn't choose you. Our children chose each other based on no criteria by the way. They're the same size. They don't care who they make me hang out with."
Some people see the glass half full. Others see it half empty. I see a glass that's twice as big as it needs to be.
People say to me, "Hey, Bill, the war made us feel better about ourselves." Really? What kind of people are these with such low self-esteem that they need a war to feel better about themselves? May I suggest, instead of a war to feel better about yourself, perhaps… sit-ups? Maybe a fruit cup? Eight glasses of water a day?
Ever wonder about those people who spend $2 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backward.
A lot of these people who keep a gun at home for safety are the same ones who refuse to wear a seat belt.