Stand-Up Comedians' Quotes and Jokes about People

47 quotes

Why do people measure life by the years instead of how good the years were?

People say to me, “You’re not feminine.” Well, they can just suck my dick.

A lot of people say that it's a lack of vocabulary that makes you swear. Rubbish. I know thousands of words but I still prefer "fuck".

I used to like people more, but now I have children and that changes your life in a lot of ways. Like you spend time with people you never would have chosen to spend time with, not in a million years. I spend whole days with people, I'm like, "I never would have hung out with you. I didn't choose you. Our children chose each other based on no criteria by the way. They're the same size. They don't care who they make me hang out with."

Some people see the glass half full. Others see it half empty. I see a glass that's twice as big as it needs to be.

People say to me, "Hey, Bill, the war made us feel better about ourselves." Really? What kind of people are these with such low self-esteem that they need a war to feel better about themselves? May I suggest, instead of a war to feel better about yourself, perhaps… sit-ups? Maybe a fruit cup? Eight glasses of water a day?

If people stand in a circle long enough, they'll eventually begin to dance.

Join the army, see the world, meet interesting people - and kill 'em.

Stereotypes wouldn't be so bad if black people were nicer, in general.

Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.

Ever wonder about those people who spend $2 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backward.

If 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea... does that mean that 1 enjoys it?

A lot of these people who keep a gun at home for safety are the same ones who refuse to wear a seat belt.

People will pay more to be entertained than educated.

People who say they don't care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don't care what people think.