Stand-Up Comedians' Quotes and Jokes about Wife

61 quotes

A friend of mine has a trophy wife, but apparently, it wasn't first place.

Yes, I’m married. But my wife understands that a good politician has to be appealing to the ladies. The fact that I haven’t even gotten close to cheating on her is a disappointment to us both.

I asked my wife to try anal sex. She said, "Sure. You first."

My wife and I had an argument last week that was so stupid, that it bears repeating. My wife collects twist ties... welcome to my world.

Well, my wife assassinated my sexual identity, and my children are eating my dreams. We don't bother you with that. We just say "Great."

Gold diggers are the wife beaters of men!

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.

My first wife, I'll never forget her - and I've tried.

My wife has cut me down to once a month, I'm lucky I know two guys she cut off completely.

My wife is so fat that when she lays on the beach the people feel sorry for her and try to roll her back into the water.

Last week I told my wife, "If you would learn to cook, I could fire the chef." She said, "If you could learn to make love, I could fire the chauffer."

If you break into my house, I will shoot you. My wife will shoot you and then spend thirty minutes telling you why she shot you.

If my wife has too much to drink at a party, starts yapping a little too much, I don't have to say anything... three little leg squeezes, she knows that means 'Put a sock in it, drunkie, time for you to wrap it up.' Somebody didn't have dinner like I suggested, now you're spouting off at the mouth divulging all the family secrets. You need to pipe down or we've got to fucking leave.

My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light.

It sure is a beautiful day. Know why? My wife walked out on me. Isn't that nice? I'm so glad the bitch is gone.