Stand-Up Comedians' Quotes and Jokes about Beat

20 quotes

Never argue with an idiot. They will only bring you down to their level and beat you with experience.

When they named a hurricane "Hurricane Ike", I went "finally, they have the balls to name a hurricane after a crack smoking, wife beating motherfucker."

My parents used to beat the living shit out of me, okay? And I'm glad they did, and I'm looking forward to beating the shit out of my kids!

Once I beat up the school bully with a baseball bat. Both his arms were completely broken, which gave me the courage.

So, I travel a lot. I hate traveling, mostly cause my dad used to beat me with a globe.

If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.

I'm gonna get famous. Then when my career starts to flag, I'm gonna go into a three month fucking bender, OK? Coke, and fucking pot, and smack, and fucking booze, and drive over people, and beat up my kids, go into therapy, go into rehab, come outta rehab, be on the cover of People magazine, and go Sorry! I fucked up!

My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing.

If you can't join them, beat them.

I never got along with my dad. Kids used to come up to me and say, "My dad can beat up your dad." I'd say Yeah? When?

I'll tell you how to beat the gambling in Las Vegas. When you get off the airplane, walk right into the propeller.

I think beating someone to death with a ukulele would just sound funny.

They used to beat me up after Sunday School, I used to get beat up... yeah, that's a nice little thank you from Jesus.

I got friends who look like life beat the shit out of them.

Here's an uplifting story. Congratulations to the Little League team from Huntington Beach, California. Yeah, they beat Japan to win the Little League World Series. That's pretty good. See, that proves that when math and science aren't involved, our kids can beat anybody.