Stand-Up Comedians' Quotes and Jokes about Doctors

55 quotes

I gotta quit smoking, doctor's orders, and the drinking, court orders.

I was terrified when my doctor told me that I had a unique and interesting personality trait, but then he told me about new Zoloft or Prozac and now I just take three pills a day and I blend right into this horrible inbred corporate landscape.

My father never missed a drink in his life. Or a joint. Or a party. Or a chance to get laid. He also never missed a day of work, or a house payment, or a car payment. I never went hungry, although he did a couple of times so I wouldn't. This is a man who survived four heart attacks. The doctors revoked his organ donor card and issued him a "Hazardous Waste" decal.

I went to my doctor and told him, "My penis is burning." He said, "That means somebody is talking about it."

A man goes to the doctor for a check, and the doctor exams him and says "I've got bad news, you've got cancer and alzheimers." The man goes "Thank god I don't have cancer."

Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice?"

So my eye doctor told me this. He said, “Did you know you have one eye set higher than the other eye?” “No” “It’s no big deal. It doesn’t affect your vision or anything. I just thought you’d like to be self conscious for the rest of your life.”

Doctors don't cure shit! They don't cure shit! The last disease doctors cured was polio, when's the last time you met someone with polio?

My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror.

You ever get sick and one of your friends gives you medical advice? And they tell you that they're not a doctor - like you didn't know it?

I was the world's ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.

My girlfriend likes to play doctor. So I always make her wait 90 minutes before I see her.

I filled out an application that said, "In Case Of Emergency Notify". I wrote "Doctor"... What's my mother going to do?

My doctor recently told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already.

You know you've reached middle age when you're cautioned to slow down by your doctor, instead of by the police.