Stand-Up Comedians' Quotes and Jokes about Laziness

18 quotes

Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

I would like to wear a diaper on days where I'm feeling lazy but... I don't. I shit my pants.

When they were naming the animals, somebody got lazy: anteater? What's it doing? It's eating ants. Done!

The bias of the mainstream media is toward sensationalism, conflict, and laziness.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

I don’t do much. I’m too lazy. That’s my problem. Hang around my couch, watching the TV. Just too lazy. I realized this the other day, I get hit my a truck tomorrow - a big truck could hit me - paralyze me from the neck down. Wouldn’t effect my lifestyle a bit really.

You show me a lazy prick who's lying in bed all day, watching TV, only occasionally getting up to piss, and I'll show you a guy who's not causing any trouble.

People say pot smokers are lazy. I disagree. I am a multitasking pot smoker. Just the other day I was walking down the street. Stoned. OK, I won’t count that as two things. I was walking down the street. I was putting eye drops in my eyes. I was talking on my cellphone. And I was getting hit by a car.

People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy.

Your husband is lazy if the directions on his medicine say, “A teaspoon before going to bed,” and in one day he uses seven bottles.

I should have suspected my husband was lazy. On our wedding day, his mother told me: "I’m not losing a son; I’m gaining a couch."

Some girls look beautiful with no makeup on at all. I call them lazy. Now go throw some war paint on you bleak empty canvas you.

Once you start making money, you can be an ass. But I am not an ass. I'm too lazy, that takes a lot of energy.

Some people like to keep their grass cut really short, so they can see the intruders coming. Keep those kill zones open. I say let the grass grow tall so they don't know there's a house behind it. Some call it lazy, I say it's thinking.

Your husband is lazy if coffee doesn’t keep him awake – even when it’s hot and being spilled on him.