Stand-Up Comedians' Quotes and Jokes about Cars

38 quotes

Roses are grey, Violets are a different shade of grey, Lets go chase cars!

I blew a speaker in my car today. Yeah, he was a motivational speaker. It left a bad taste in my mouth but I feel a lot more positive.

I used to have horrible cars that would always end up broken down on the highway. When I tried to flag someone down, nobody stopped. But if I pushed my own car, other drivers would get out and push with me. If you want help, help yourself - people like to see that.

Women are like cars: we all want a Ferrari, sometimes want a pickup truck, and end up with a station wagon.

I saw one of those giant Hummer cars with handicapped tags on it. I thought, 'Wow, I never realized that being an asshole was technically a handicap.'

Cars and women are a lot alike. They lie about the milage.

I killed a squirrel once with a car. Twice with a tennis racket.

You might be a redneck if you've been to a funeral and there were more pick-ups than cars.

Ever notice when you blow in a dog’s face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?

Americans are not gonna conserve. We're not gonna shift to smaller cars. We can't - we have big, fat kids.

I don’t know what popping-and-locking is but I know to lock my car door whenever people are doing it.

I just got a car, and I gotta say, this car is very cryptic. The very first day I drove it, a light came on out of nowhere: 'Check engine.' Could they be any more vague? What if a light came on and said, 'Problem'?

All of your life you were crazy about cars, I guess that's why you turned out to be such a crank.

You might be a redneck if there are four or more cars up on blocks in the front yard.

A Jewish man pulls up to the curb and asks the policeman "Can I park here?" "No" says the cop. "What about all these other cars?" "They didn't ask!"