Stand-Up Comedians' Quotes and Jokes about Birthday

30 quotes

Well, birthdays are merely symbolic of how another year has gone by and how little we've grown. No matter how desperate we are that someday a better self will emerge, with each flicker of the candles on the cake, we know it's not to be, that for the rest of our sad, wretched pathetic lives, this is who we areto the bitter end. Inevitably, irrevocably; happy birthday? No such thing.

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.

Kenny G will be releasing a CD fully comprised of Christmas songs. Happy birthday, Jesus - hope you like crap.

I like birthdays because we celebrate life with cakes. It's so cool. Sometimes when I see a baby, I'm like that much more cake in the world. But then when someone dies, I'm like the cake streak is over...

I've never had a surprise birthday party. I've had every other type of surprise. I've had surprise beatings, surprise drug tests, surprise daughter I think.

Last year my birthday cake looked like a prairie fire.

Your favorite kind of cake can’t be birthday cake, that’s like saying your favorite kind of cereal is breakfast cereal.

It was my friend's birthday and I was mad at him, so I sent him a card. It said happy birthday, but I put quotes around the word "'Happy"... sarcastic birthday, douche bag.

Some friends of mine got me a sweater for my birthday. I'd have preferred a moaner or a screamer, but the sweater was OK.

I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'

I got 11 vibrators for my birthday this year. Do my girlfriends think I'm at home double teaming myself?

That’s the time of your life when even your birthday suit needs pressing.

There's nothing more awkward than going to the first birthday party of a little girl when you told her mom to get rid of her - because the kid can tell.

My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday. She says if I'm good, she'll give me the other one next year.

What a childhood I had. Once on my birthday my ol' man gave me a bat. The first day I played with it, it flew away.