Stand-Up Comedians' Quotes and Jokes about Birthday

30 quotes

Well, birthdays are merely symbolic of how another year has gone by and how little we've grown. No matter how desperate we are that someday a better self will emerge, with each flicker of the candles on the cake, we know it's not to be, that for the rest of our sad, wretched pathetic lives, this is who we areto the bitter end. Inevitably, irrevocably; happy birthday? No such thing.

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.

Last year my birthday cake looked like a prairie fire.

Kenny G will be releasing a CD fully comprised of Christmas songs. Happy birthday, Jesus - hope you like crap.

I like birthdays because we celebrate life with cakes. It's so cool. Sometimes when I see a baby, I'm like that much more cake in the world. But then when someone dies, I'm like the cake streak is over...

I've never had a surprise birthday party. I've had every other type of surprise. I've had surprise beatings, surprise drug tests, surprise daughter I think.

I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'

Your favorite kind of cake can’t be birthday cake, that’s like saying your favorite kind of cereal is breakfast cereal.

Some friends of mine got me a sweater for my birthday. I'd have preferred a moaner or a screamer, but the sweater was OK.

It was my friend's birthday and I was mad at him, so I sent him a card. It said happy birthday, but I put quotes around the word "'Happy"... sarcastic birthday, douche bag.

A few days ago, it was my birthday, and it was in the newspaper, and growing up I never would have guessed that a) my name would be in the newspaper, and b) that I might outlast those papers.

I got 11 vibrators for my birthday this year. Do my girlfriends think I'm at home double teaming myself?

My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday. She says if I'm good, she'll give me the other one next year.

What a childhood I had. Once on my birthday my ol' man gave me a bat. The first day I played with it, it flew away.

That’s the time of your life when even your birthday suit needs pressing.