Stand-Up Comedians' Quotes and Jokes about Hate

50 quotes

I don't stop eating when I'm full. The meal isn't over when I'm full. It's over when I hate myself.

Well, MTV isn't really my cup of tea... mainly because I hate huge pieces of shit in my tea.

I hate false advertising, like 'Skittles: taste the rainbow.' No one's ever been like, 'Rainbow, right you guys?' Or what's Reese's? 'There's no wrong way to eat a Reese's.' Oh, really? Tell that to my uncle who used to put them in my underwear. Alright, maybe your uncles didn't love you.

Nationalism does nothing but teach you how to hate people you've never met.

I never learned hate at home, or shame. I had to go to school for that.

Whoever you hate will end up in your family. You don't like gays? You're gonna have a gay son. You don't like Puerto Ricans? Your daughter's gonna come home with Livin' La Vida Loca!

I hate when I'm masturbating to a hot chick on TV and then, right when I'm about to come, it cuts to one of the other Smurfs.

And if I die early the situation will be auto-erotic asphyxiation, I hate my life and it hates me back!

I hate nickels; they're quarter impersonators.

So, I travel a lot. I hate traveling, mostly cause my dad used to beat me with a globe.

Me racist? The only race I hate is the one you have to run.

I hate when women compare men to dogs. Men are not dogs. Dogs are loyal. I’ve never found any strange panties in my dog’s house.

I just hate stupid people. They should have to wear signs that say "I'm Stupid". That way you wouldn't rely on them, and you wouldn't ask them for nothing.

I hate thin people; "Oh, does the tampon make me look fat?"

I hate every human being on earth. I feel that everyone is beneath me, and I feel they should all worship me. That's what I told my kids. I think I must have been Adolf Hitler in a past life.