Stand-Up Comedians' Quotes and Jokes about Family

39 quotes

Oh my god. Open and shut case, Johnson. I saw this once when I was a rookie. Apparently this nigger broke in and put up pictures of his family everywhere.

Whoever you hate will end up in your family. You don't like gays? You're gonna have a gay son. You don't like Puerto Ricans? Your daughter's gonna come home with Livin' La Vida Loca!

I’ve got a long history of suicide in my family; the good news is it skips a generation, so, if I’m lucky, my kids will kill themselves.

Why did I adopt kids? I dunno. Let me look at my family: religious weirdo, gun nut, biker, boozer, dead tooth, too many cats, the guy who talks to his truck. Hmm. Maybe I adopted because genetically my balls are full of poison.

You might be a redneck if... your family tree doesn't fork.

My sister is going to have a simple wedding. Just immediate family. And whoever the hell would want to marry her.

Halloween’s my favorite holiday because you don’t have to spend it with your family.

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.

Fuck it... That's really the attitude that keeps a family together, it's not "we love each other", it's just "fuck it, man."

And for my family, comedically, that was the key to a lot of the humor.

I grew up in a poor family. I had to cut everyone's hair, because we didn't have money for entertainment.

My family kinda hit the skids. We were experiencing poverty at that point. We all got a job, where the whole family had to work as security guards and janitors. And I just got angry.

When I was ten, my family moved to Downer’s Grove, Illinois. When I was twelve, I found them.

America's a family. We all yell at each other. It all works out.

I love my family. I came home the other days. My brother's passed-out on the couch, holding an empty bottle of sleeping pills. So I called the paramedics, and they pumped his stomach, and I think he's learned his lesson: you know, never to take my last two sleeping pills.