Stand-Up Comedians' Quotes and Jokes about Family

39 quotes

Oh my god. Open and shut case, Johnson. I saw this once when I was a rookie. Apparently this nigger broke in and put up pictures of his family everywhere.

Halloween’s my favorite holiday because you don’t have to spend it with your family.

I’ve got a long history of suicide in my family; the good news is it skips a generation, so, if I’m lucky, my kids will kill themselves.

Whoever you hate will end up in your family. You don't like gays? You're gonna have a gay son. You don't like Puerto Ricans? Your daughter's gonna come home with Livin' La Vida Loca!

Why did I adopt kids? I dunno. Let me look at my family: religious weirdo, gun nut, biker, boozer, dead tooth, too many cats, the guy who talks to his truck. Hmm. Maybe I adopted because genetically my balls are full of poison.

You might be a redneck if... your family tree doesn't fork.

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.

My sister is going to have a simple wedding. Just immediate family. And whoever the hell would want to marry her.

Fuck it... That's really the attitude that keeps a family together, it's not "we love each other", it's just "fuck it, man."

And for my family, comedically, that was the key to a lot of the humor.

I grew up in a poor family. I had to cut everyone's hair, because we didn't have money for entertainment.

My family kinda hit the skids. We were experiencing poverty at that point. We all got a job, where the whole family had to work as security guards and janitors. And I just got angry.

When I was ten, my family moved to Downer’s Grove, Illinois. When I was twelve, I found them.

I love my family but my family - they're the type of people that never let you forget anything you ever did when you were little. I was in the first grade Christmas play - I'm playing Mary. Now, during the course of the play, I dropped the baby Jesus. They act like I dropped the baby Jesus. So now, they still talk about this. I go to my family reunion, and one of my cousins just had a baby. So I'm like, 'Oh, that's a cute little baby. Let me hold the baby. Let me see the baby.' And my aunt runs over, 'Don't you give her that baby! You know she dropped the baby Jesus!'

I don't understand this whole Elvis thing. There are dead people in my family that we miss and love dearly, but shoot, we don't dress up like them and do impressions. I'll show up at the family reunion in a dirty t-shirt and a bald cap - 'Look, everybody, I'm Uncle Earl.'