Stand-Up Comedians' Quotes and Jokes about Happiness

50 quotes

Mama says that, happiness is from magic rays of sunshine that come down when you're feeling blue...

You can be married and bored, or single and lonely. Ain't no happiness nowhere.

“Money doesn’t buy happiness.” Uh, do you live in America? ‘Cause it buys a WaveRunner. Have you ever seen a sad person on a WaveRunner? Have you? Seriously, have you? Try to frown on a WaveRunner. You can’t!

A man doesn't know what real happiness is until he's married. Then it's too late.

Of course money buys happiness. You ever seen a homeless person skip? The answer to that riddle’s no. They’re not allowed.

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.

The world is full of a lot of fear and a lot of negativity, and a lot of judgment. I just think people need to start shifting into joy and happiness. As corny as it sounds, we need to make a shift.

To love is to suffer. To avoid suffering, one must not love. But then, one suffers from not loving. Therefore, to love is to suffer; not to love is to suffer; to suffer is to suffer. To be happy is to love. To be happy, then, is to suffer, but suffering makes one unhappy. Therefore, to be happy, one must love or love to suffer or suffer from too much happiness.

I have to lay off dairy though. That's what my doctor threw in. As I was leaving his office, "Oh, and uh, leave off dairy." What kind of blanket sweep is that? "And no more happiness! Away with you!"

People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.

The expectation of happiness creates a lot of unhappiness.

What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.

Happiness is a carnival game. It's never as easy as it looks, but the dumb ones always seem to be walking around with a big stuffed animal.

Living one's life with unguarded vulnerability is one of the keys to happiness. It's also one of the keys to getting mugged.

Money comes and goes. I'm thankful I have money. I'm trying to save up more. I would like more money. But it's not happiness. If you're a millionaire and hate your family, hate your friends and your life, then what is the point? You're just a person with a lot of money and power who is not happy.