Stand-Up Comedians' Quotes and Jokes about Judgment

34 quotes

You'll have to excuse me for my bad posture. My mom says it's 'cause I have a huge cock. Yeah, she talks like that. She's a sailor. We don't judge her. She lives by one rule, and it's the rule of the sea.

Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that, who cares? He's a mile away and you've got his shoes.

The problem with this country is that old fucks vote. We got shit to do, old folks don't, the only thing they have to do is judge you and vote.

Remember the lesson that Susan Boyle taught us all. Before you judge an ugly person, give them two minutes to whistle a tune or tap dance for you. And if they can’t, fuck ‘em. Stupid ugly fuck.

They got a character on there named Oscar, they treat this guy like shit the entire show. They judge him right in his face, "Oscar you are so mean! Isn't he kids?", "Yeah Oscar! Your a grouch!", its like "Bitch! I live in a fucking trashcan!"

I was pulled over in Massachusetts for reckless driving. When brought before the judge, I was asked if I knew what the punishment for drunk driving in that state was. I said, "I don't know... reelection to the Senate?"

Only God can judge wet t-shirt contests.

If you judge a person by the company they keep, then I'm retarded.

The world is full of a lot of fear and a lot of negativity, and a lot of judgment. I just think people need to start shifting into joy and happiness. As corny as it sounds, we need to make a shift.

I want to die before my wife, and the reason is this: If it is true that when you die, your soul goes up to judgment, I don't want my wife up there ahead of me to tell them things.

The whole concept of awards is silly. I cannot abide by the judgment of other people, because if you accept it when they say you deserve an award, then you have to accept it when they say you don't.

I consider myself to be a pretty good judge of people... that's why I don't like any of them.

I don't want a clean living guy in the White House with his finger on the button. He thinks he's going right to heaven. You want to feel safe with a leader. Give me a guy who fights in bars and cheats on his wife. This is a man who wants to put off Judgment Day as long as possible.

The only time my wife and I had a simultaneous orgasm was when the judge signed the divorce papers.

We were standing next to this guy with a bandana and a tattooed teardrop and a knife, and I said to my friend, 'I don't want to hang out here.' My friend said, 'Don't judge people.' I said, 'The dude's got a knife.' He said, 'He could be a chef.'