Stand-Up Comedians' Quotes and Jokes about Laws

49 quotes

I don't understand why prostitution is illegal. Selling is legal, fucking is legal. So why isn't it legal to sell fucking?

Marijuana will be legal someday, because the many law students who now smoke pot will one day be Congressmen and they will legalize it to protect themselves. I don't smoke pot, and I'm glad because then I can champion it without any special pleading. The reason I don't smoke pot is because it facilitates ideas and heightens sensations - and I got enough shit flying through my head without smoking pot.

I have no problem with illegal immigration in this country, except for the fact that they don't serve on jury duty. That's horse shit. It should be the other way around - they should serve exclusively on jury duty. Then it finally would be a jury of one's own peers. It's not a stereotype if it's always true; then it becomes law.

I went to law school. I found it interesting for the first three weeks.

You’re born absolutely free except for laws of nature, if you drink you get drunk, that’s a law, if you get old you die, that’s a law too; if you sit on a tack you will bleed from the ass, these are the only laws that you’re born with.

I don't like to think of laws as rules you have to follow, but more as suggestions.

You don't want another Enron? Here's your law: If a company can't explain in one sentence what it does, it's illegal.

My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty and that's the law.

In the school I went to, they asked a kid to prove the law of gravity and he threw the teacher out of the window.

My poor mom, she's like, 'That's my son, Dat Phan. He crack joke all the time. I tell him go to law school, become a lawyer. But no, he move up to Hollywood - he live out of his car; he eat Top Ramen with all the gay guys.'

The law must be stable, but it must not stand still.

When evolution is outlawed, only outlaws will evolve.

The very first law in advertising is to avoid the concrete promise and cultivate the delightfully vague.

All prayers are basically a request: "Please break the laws of the physical universe for my convenience. Amen."

The Afghan government is as corrupt as a prostitute with a law degree.