Stand-Up Comedians' Quotes and Jokes about Laws

49 quotes

Marijuana will be legal someday, because the many law students who now smoke pot will one day be Congressmen and they will legalize it to protect themselves. I don't smoke pot, and I'm glad because then I can champion it without any special pleading. The reason I don't smoke pot is because it facilitates ideas and heightens sensations - and I got enough shit flying through my head without smoking pot.

I don't understand why prostitution is illegal. Selling is legal, fucking is legal. So why isn't it legal to sell fucking?

I have no problem with illegal immigration in this country, except for the fact that they don't serve on jury duty. That's horse shit. It should be the other way around - they should serve exclusively on jury duty. Then it finally would be a jury of one's own peers. It's not a stereotype if it's always true; then it becomes law.

I went to law school. I found it interesting for the first three weeks.

You’re born absolutely free except for laws of nature, if you drink you get drunk, that’s a law, if you get old you die, that’s a law too; if you sit on a tack you will bleed from the ass, these are the only laws that you’re born with.

My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty and that's the law.

I don't like to think of laws as rules you have to follow, but more as suggestions.

In the school I went to, they asked a kid to prove the law of gravity and he threw the teacher out of the window.

There should be no such thing as a vice law. Every vice is only a bad habit, and the punishment is inherent in the act.

My poor mom, she's like, 'That's my son, Dat Phan. He crack joke all the time. I tell him go to law school, become a lawyer. But no, he move up to Hollywood - he live out of his car; he eat Top Ramen with all the gay guys.'

The very first law in advertising is to avoid the concrete promise and cultivate the delightfully vague.

When evolution is outlawed, only outlaws will evolve.

Why is marijuana against the law? It grows naturally upon our planet. Doesn’t the idea of making nature against the law seem to you a bit... unnatural?

For example, I was a White House intern the summer before I dropped out of law school. Everybody knew about it. I'd come home and go to church and everybody would say, 'Oh, my God. Demetri, you're working at the White House.'

I was student council president in high school, and even in law school, I was vice-president of the student bar association.