Stand-Up Comedians' Quotes and Jokes about Laws

49 quotes

Marijuana will be legal someday, because the many law students who now smoke pot will one day be Congressmen and they will legalize it to protect themselves. I don't smoke pot, and I'm glad because then I can champion it without any special pleading. The reason I don't smoke pot is because it facilitates ideas and heightens sensations - and I got enough shit flying through my head without smoking pot.

I don't understand why prostitution is illegal. Selling is legal, fucking is legal. So why isn't it legal to sell fucking?

I have no problem with illegal immigration in this country, except for the fact that they don't serve on jury duty. That's horse shit. It should be the other way around - they should serve exclusively on jury duty. Then it finally would be a jury of one's own peers. It's not a stereotype if it's always true; then it becomes law.

You’re born absolutely free except for laws of nature, if you drink you get drunk, that’s a law, if you get old you die, that’s a law too; if you sit on a tack you will bleed from the ass, these are the only laws that you’re born with.

My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty and that's the law.

In the school I went to, they asked a kid to prove the law of gravity and he threw the teacher out of the window.

There should be no such thing as a vice law. Every vice is only a bad habit, and the punishment is inherent in the act.

Why is marijuana against the law? It grows naturally upon our planet. Doesn’t the idea of making nature against the law seem to you a bit... unnatural?

For example, I was a White House intern the summer before I dropped out of law school. Everybody knew about it. I'd come home and go to church and everybody would say, 'Oh, my God. Demetri, you're working at the White House.'

I was student council president in high school, and even in law school, I was vice-president of the student bar association.

The law against sodomy is trying to stop homosexual men from enjoying themselves. That's what the law is all about. But this is stupid. What do you do according to the law? You find two men enjoying themselves sexually. You arrest them and throw them in... prison? That outta do it.

In France, they're having trouble translating a lot of Internet terms into French. In France the law is you have to use French words. For example, there are no French words for surfing the Web, there aren't any French words for chat session, and there aren't any French words for hacker. Of course, a lot of other words don`t translate to French either: military victory, deodorant...

When evolution is outlawed, only outlaws will evolve.

I don't like to think of laws as rules you have to follow, but more as suggestions.

All prayers are basically a request: "Please break the laws of the physical universe for my convenience. Amen."