Stand-Up Comedians' Quotes and Jokes about Heaven

32 quotes

I have lived a carnal life. My view of life is 'If you're going to miss Heaven, why miss it by two inches? Miss it!' I don't have to go through the thing of paying for it in the next life. I know I'm screwed in the next life.

They tell us "Rock'n'roll is the devil's music." Well, let's say we know that rock is the devil's music, and we know that it is, for sure … At least he fucking jams! If it's a choice between eternal Hell and good tunes, and eternal Heaven and New Kids on the fucking Block … I'm gonna be surfin' on the lake of fire, rockin' out.

What if you went to heaven and God meets you and says, "Hey, welcome to fuckin' heaven." I'm like, "What did you say?" "Welcome to fuckin' heaven." "I didn't know you could swear." "Fuck, yeah, it's fucking heaven" "Well, I was raised as a child never to swear." "Where does it say in the Bible that you can't fuckin' swear?" "No fuckin' where!" "All right, now you are getting the hang of it. Oh, yeah, I saw some slutty bitches outside the pearly gates? You wanna tap that? They ain't gettin' in!" "What?" "No, just kidding. You aren't in heaven, you're in hell. You've been punk'd." Arghhh! Damn you, Ashton! That was elaborate. Way to go the extra mile. Even in the afterlife, you're a douchebag. Hope it was worth it charity-bangin' that geriatric for all eternity, that'll really throw the scent off the gay trail.

This is what I say to the most conservative person that's so terrified of gay marriage becoming legal. Just because the state says it's legal, it's not like God's going to let them into Heaven. So you can still sleep sound every night knowing that goal line defense is up at the pearly gates.

Well, life was tough, but at least I was able to live it out and I was able to face death and not be afraid. Well, now I'm ready to go to Heaven and be with Jesus, and... hey? Hey, what's this? Oh, God it feels like a man's dick in my ass! Oh, God! I'm dead! Oh, you mean life keeps on fucking you even after you're dead? Oh, it never ends!

When I die, I don’t want people to look in my coffin and go, “Wow, he looks great.” I’m dead for Christ’s sake! I want people to walk by my coffin and go, “Jesus! He partied…” And for the love of God, don’t put a rose in my hand, put a Slim Jim. Send me to heaven with a Slim Jim!

My mother is still mad at me from when the pope died. She calls me up when the pope died, 'Meho, we have to go to church and pray for him.' I go, 'Mom, it's the pope. We don't have to pray for him. Just stay home.' 'No, meho, he needs our help.' I'm like, 'Mom, you're Catholic. You believe that the pope is the holiest person on Earth. You believe that he actually talks to God.' 'Well he does.' 'Well, if that's true, pendejo, he's in heaven. He doesn't need your help. If the pope needs help getting into heaven, you and I are fucked. Do you understand that?'

Holy Jesus in heaven! it's a giant Q-tip.

'I was in heaven and I was in hell, believe in neither but fear them as well'... damn! Were you really in heaven and were you in hell? Here on earth or did you visit another land? This fucking jerk off…

I woke up in an ambulance. And it wasn’t nothing but white people staring at me. I said, “Ain’t this a bitch. I done died and wound up in the wrong muthafucking heaven.”

2 minutes in heaven is better than 1 minute in heaven.

They always throw around this term 'the liberal elite.' And I kept thinking to myself about the Christian right. What's more elite than believing that only you will go to heaven?

And don't put a rose in my hand. Put a slim-jim in it. Send me to heaven with a slim-jim!

If warm air rises, Heaven could be hotter than Hell.

A sense of humor is rare. It isn't telling a joke about how there are three ways to get to heaven. It's being in a restaurant and hearing someone say, "Everyone's got their tale of woe," and then turning around and saying, "Unfortunately, in life, there's more woe than tail."