Stand-Up Comedians' Quotes and Jokes about Russia

17 quotes

My favorite president, John F. Kennedy. Charming guy, great president. Fucked Marilyn Monroe. President of the United States and fucked Marilyn Monroe. What do you want?! I know some people give him shit about that, yeah like you wouldn't have. No you'd have been too busy studying the Bill of Rights and the Constitution. Yeah you wouldn't have wanted a piece of Marilyn, not you, no. Yeah you're too patriotic, fuck you, you'd have done her. You'd have been just like JFK. You'd have been there in the Oval Office, Marilyn across the desk, your dick up her ass, lookin' out at the Washington Monument going: "You know, it doesn't get much better than this, does it? President of the United States. Dick in Marilyn Monroe. My finger on the fucking button telling the fucking Russians to get their missiles out of Cuba in twelve hours. It doesn't get better than this."

I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.

My friends and I play a new version of Russian roulette, we pass around six girls and one of them has V.D.

The Russians haven't been to the moon. You know why? Because they're space pussies... You really want to impress us? Bring us back our flag!

Sure, my uncle killed himself playing Russian Roulette. But I choose to remember him as a great Russian Roulette player.

Every time the Russians throw an American in jail, the Committee throws an American in jail to get even.

The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and incompetence... sort of like the Post Office with tanks.

Every video from Russia is depressing, it’s like they have their cameras set to sad.

Of course he needs to renegotiate his salary - the guy buys more snow than Seward did when he bought Alaska from the Russians.

I spent the day today at Brighton Beach, walking around. It's a Russian/Jewish neighborhood. And I was in a store and I saw a board game called 'Let My People Go,' based on the Jews' exodus from Egypt. I was like, 'Too soon.'

I feel most empires fell when they started to act human, but then look at Russia. They kept a pretty strong hand, and they fell from Afghanistan alone because Afghanistan is the graveyard of empires. I guess you just can't sustain it.

Thanks to our brave allies: you gallant Russian bear, you British everywhere.

There's an old Russian saying that goes some way or another. I don't know it. I don't speak Russian. But sometimes I think about it and wonder if it's relevant to what I'm going through at the time. Probably not. I mean what do Russian know about hunger, anyway?

There are Russian spies here now. And if we're lucky, they'll steal some of our secrets and they'll be two years behind.

The Russians love Brooke Shields because her eyebrows remind them of Leonid Brezhnev.