Stand-Up Comedians' Quotes and Jokes about Toasters

14 quotes

I’m lookin’ at the Pop-Tarts box and I notice they have directions on there. I give up on this species… They have toaster directions, which, I’m not makin’ this up, the toaster directions are longer than one step. I don’t know how that’s possible that the directions are longer than one. You think it would be, “Step one: Toast the Pop-Tarts. Go ahead, toast ‘em. It’s okay. Hey, are you still readin’ this?”

Oh no, Mr. Kool-Aid Man, oh no! You better fix that hole in my wall before my dad comes home and beats me with a toaster.

The same people who make toasters make showers. For they have a turney button too that lies. For we all know turn turn turn turn for hot. Turn turn turn turn for cold. But the only position we're interested in is the position between there... and there. One nanomillimeter between fantastically hot, and fucking freezing.

So then God created the world, and on the first day he created light and air and fish and jam and soup and potatoes and haircuts and arguments and small things and rabbits and people with noses and jam – more jam, perhaps – and soot and flies and tobogganing and showers and toasters and grandmothers and, uh … Belgium. And the second day he created fire and water and eggnog and radiators and lights and Burma and things that go "urh" and … and Colonel Gaddafi and Arthur Negus. On the third day he probably got lists and said, "I can't remember what I've invented now. I've just been ad-libbing so far."

Never put a sock in a toaster.

I once went out with this wild girl. She made French toast and got her tongue caught in the toaster.

I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

We have toasters in this country... and they lie to us! Because it has numbers from one to six and it lies to us!

I'm quitting the business today. I'm going to open up an appliance store, I've always really been into toasters. I'm giving it all up.

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

She has an electric blender, electric toaster, electric bread maker. Then she said, "There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!" So what did I do? Bought her an electric chair.

Tasers don’t work on us. When you grow up poor, you get shocked by shit every single day. Toasters, lamps...

Is that a cat?!? It looks like a toaster cozy.

They keep pushing the idea, "The only reliable way to prevent pregnancy is to not have sex at all, because, condoms? Ooh, very unreliable, condoms break all the time." Okay. I've been using these things for thirty-five years. I've never had one break. Either I'm the luckiest son-of-a-bitch who ever lived - and I'm not - or this is the most reliable invention since the toaster.