Stand-Up Comedians' Quotes and Jokes about Tattoos

20 quotes

I want to get a tattoo of myself on my entire body only 2" taller.

Tattoos are cool because they don't belong on your body, but you put it there to say something about yourself. Much like my rolls of fat. That shit does not belong on a human body. And I put it there to say something about me. I don't like fruit. I don't like it! Long bike ride? I'm out. Hot dog eating contest? I'm listening.

I think if you're gonna get a tattoo, just get one: the words, 'I'm dumb.' That's it. That way in 10 years, when you go, 'Why did I get this?,' you can be like, 'Oh, I'm dumb!'

Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass, and it translate to "beef with broccoli". The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.

If you’ve ever financed a tattoo, you might be a redneck.

I've got nothing against tattoos. I don't have one myself. If I did, it would be right there next to my watch. It would say "Your wife's birthday is August 2nd, your anniversary is September 18th, don't let Ron White drive your car again."

I always look for a woman who has a tattoo. I see a woman with a tattoo, and I'm thinking, OK, here's a gal who's capable of making a decision she'll regret in the future.

I want to get a tattoo of the word "irony", only misspelled.

Marriage is supposed to be permanent. It's like a tattoo that yells at you.

A cool tattoo design is any drawing that would also look good saggy.

Cupcakes are the tattooed brunette chick of the baked goods world.

We were standing next to this guy with a bandana and a tattooed teardrop and a knife, and I said to my friend, 'I don't want to hang out here.' My friend said, 'Don't judge people.' I said, 'The dude's got a knife.' He said, 'He could be a chef.'

'Homemade' sounds much better when not referring to tattoos.

His tattoos are like shit that you wrote on the cover of your notebook.

I finally had a ship tattooed to my chest. I wanted something on it.