Stand-Up Comedians' Quotes and Jokes about Masturbation

27 quotes

He who hesitates, masturbates.

You can figure out how bad a person you are by how soon after September 11th you masturbated, like how long you waited... and for me it was between the two buildings going down... I had to do it, otherwise they'd win.

There's a fine line between masturbating while you look out a window, and masturbating while you’re looking in a window. I'll give you a hint: one of 'em is super illegal.

I ate too much and masturbated too recently, you know? It's bad to like jerk off and run out the door, 'cause you run into somebody. "Oh, she knows..." You got to take some time alone to process the shame.

I walked in on him masturbating. He's like, 'Are you mad?' I'm like, 'Uh no, but you seem to be. Holy shit. Does it owe you money?'

I hate when I'm masturbating to a hot chick on TV and then, right when I'm about to come, it cuts to one of the other Smurfs.

Don't knock masturbation. It's sex with someone you love.

What do you do when you get caught masturbating? Well, here's a little tip. First, look surprised. And don't worry, you will be surprised. And then say this: "Quick get some help! My hand and my penis are fighting!"

Guys talk about masturbating a lot more than women do. Women do it, but guys talk about it all the time. There's nothing to it. Be with your friends, like, 'Hey, Walter, we're gonna shoot baskets. You want to come with us?' And your friend Walter's like, 'Nah, you know what? I'm tired, man. I'm gonna go home, crank one out and take a nap.'

My nephew killed himself masturbating but, officially, the cause of death is exhaustion.

Women have it good when it comes to masturbation. Guys, we just have our hands. For the rest of our lives, that's it. Sometimes your friend will go, 'Ever try your left hand? It's like a whole different person.' Yeah, a retarded person.

If you're going to stop masturbating, you can't "taper off." You've got to quit, cold jerky!

This is embarrassing. My friend accidentally killed himself masturbating when he was just trying to kill himself.

I'm mad at my roommate for masturbating in front of the computer. It's my computer. And he doesn't even watch anything.

You can't control life. It doesn't wind up perfectly. Only... only art you can control. Art and masturbation. Two areas in which I am an absolute expert.