Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 646
John Travolta, who said, "My Saturday night fever was nothing compared to my Sunday morning rash." Never got a dinner!
Believe it or not, I've got a really bad metabolism. One burger and I'm done. I'm not a guy that puts away 10 burgers.
The difference between a broadcaster and a host is that a host tells stories and dumb jokes, but a broadcaster can articulate deeper like, you know - things and stuff.
We put stereotypes on ourselves. Everybody does that. But I think it's just a little harder for black kids to just be who they are.
I don't want my president to be a TV star. You don't have to be on television every minute of every day - you're the president, not a rerun of "Law & Order". TV stars are too worried bout being popular and too concerned about being renewed.
The greatest missile in the world is useless... unless it's targeted. A torpedo is adrift unless it has someplace to go. An arrow is pointless unless it hits something. So it's important for kids - for everyone, even if you fail at first - to target something and head in that direction. With all your might.
The unfairness of life is indicative of trees. I planted twenty trees on the same block. It's so fucking weird. Six became huge. One is giant. And there are some little shitty ones. Same soil. Same water. Same seed. But those little ones just don't grow. I can't explain it.
Now, I don't want to get off on a rant here, but guilt is simply God's way of letting you know that you're having too good a time.
I am proud to be an American. Because an American can eat anything on the face of this earth as long as he has two pieces of bread.
No, even when you're making fun of people in this business, they want to take credit for it. That's how big the egos are.
I don't think we should be governing ourselves. What need is a king, and every now and then if the king’s not doing a good job, we kill him.
A woman in Buffalo set a new world record for eating 183 buffalo wings. I don’t think there will be a second date.