Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 647
President Bush played golf yesterday and I understand Vice President Dick Cheney also got in a couple of strokes.
If you can't remember the last time you had sex with a woman, you're either gay, or married.
How do I say this without sounding like an egomaniac? I don't know a comedian that sells more seats than me in the red states and blue states, so I don't see where I have to change that much.
I'm an appalling cook. I can just about create a glass of orange juice and a ham-and-cheese sandwich.
My point is, life is about balance. The good and the bad. The highs and the lows. The pina and the colada.
Why do we need another station where everyone has a gun? We already have BET.
Someone who makes you laugh is a comedian. Someone who makes you think and then laugh is a humorist.
When I was a kid I got no respect. When I went on the roller coaster, my old man told me to stand up straight.
I can't tell you 100 percent what makes a relationship work. But I can see something good coming and I can see something bad coming.
You want your lady to be a contortionist. What man wouldn't want a lady who's a contortionist?
I don't want my president to be a TV star. You don't have to be on television every minute of every day - you're the president, not a rerun of "Law & Order". TV stars are too worried bout being popular and too concerned about being renewed.
The greatest missile in the world is useless... unless it's targeted. A torpedo is adrift unless it has someplace to go. An arrow is pointless unless it hits something. So it's important for kids - for everyone, even if you fail at first - to target something and head in that direction. With all your might.
There hasn’t been a more effeminate Jew in the closet since Anne Frank.