Stand-Up Comedy Quotes and Jokes

16194 quotes

They're like ''You're an alcoholic.'' I go ''No, I'm not.'' and then-apparently that's what alcoholics say too, you know?

I have a lot of beliefs and I live by none of 'em. That's just the way I am. They're just my beliefs. I just like believing them. I like that part. They're my little "believies." They make me feel good about who I am. But if they get in the way of a thing I want, or I want to jack off or something, I fuckin' do that.

Dick's and vagina's are like Coke and Pepsi, I strongly prefer one but my dad thinks they both taste the same.

Bitch was so fine I'd suck her daddy's dick.

I got a letter from the IRS. Apparently I owe them $800. So I sent them a letter back. I said, "If you'll remember, I fastened my return with a paper clip, which according to your very own latest government pentagon spending figures will more than make up for the difference."

Lick the alphabet. It makes you appear creative, it's an easy diagram to remember, it's like "aaaaa.... beeeee.... ceeee." She's thinking you're from fuckin' Europe or something: "Oh God, where'd you learn that, oh," and you're going "A, B, C, D, E, F, G".

When you’re having sex with somebody, you can say “yes”, you can say “yeah”, you can say “uh-huh.” But for some reason you can’t say “yep”. Yep, oh, yep, baby. Yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep indeed!

If a kid calls his grandma "Mommy" and his mama "Pam", he's going to jail!

I think a treehouse is really insensitive. That's like killing something and then making one of its friends hold it.

I was at the gym the other day working out with my buddy. My buddy Joey. And he goes "hey, man, I'm getting a divorce." I said "Wow, that sucks. Can you spot me?" That was our whole conversation! So then I go home to my wife, and I say "Hey, Joey is getting a divorce." She goes "Oh, my God! What happened?" "I dunno." "What do you mean you don't know? Is she cheating on him, is he cheating on her?" "Again, I'm not holding anything back here, I don't know!" She goes "Bill, someone tells you they're getting a divorce and you don't ask any questions?" And I go "Well, that's because he didn't ask me a question! He didn't say 'hey Bill, what do you think about me getting a divorce?', he said, 'I'm getting a divorce', which said to me, 'I require no further input on your part.'" If he had said 'What do you think about me getting a divorce?', I'd have said, 'Well, you're gonna be dating again, so you should work on your abs'.

Little Boy Blue - He needed the money.

If it smells like fish its a dish. If it smells like cologne leave it alone.

My mom, for most of her life, was a Holocaust denier. And it was terrible for the entire family to have to deal with until, finally, a couple years ago, we had an intervention. And we had a rabbi come into the home, had him walk her through the history of the Jewish people, and then he made her watch “Schindler’s List." And after that, my mom did a complete 180. Now she can’t believe it only happened once.

My perfect date night: I pick you up. In my Kia Sorrento. You get in. There's candles in the car. You go 'Is that dangerous?" and I go, Yes... but I like danger. We go to your favorite restaurant, and we have a fantastic meal. We come outside and we see my cars on fire. You go, "Aziz, your cars on fire. Aren't you upset?" I pull out a bag of marshmallows and I go, No. I knew this was gonna happen. And then I kiss you. In front of my burning car.

53 fucking virgins! The very thought of 53 fucking virgins, it’s a nightmare! It’s not a fucking present, it’s not a prize, it’s a punishment! Give me 2 fire-breathing whores any day of the week. I’m a slut man!