Adam Carolla


My penis is like a burn victim after I orgasm. Don't get near it. It hurts. Leave it be.

You're 28, why are you going to goth clubs? Do what I do, sit at home & wait to die. You don't have to kill yourself, you're just waiting.

Then there's the in-between, not a lipstick lesbian, not a butch dyke. I think that is what I'd be, a sweatpants lesbian.

I've never not finished a masturbatory session or a pizza. Those are the two things I've never left behind.

Should women be on any pills besides birth control? We should just give them all sugar pills for everything, they're so suggestible.

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