Adam Carolla


I've never not finished a masturbatory session or a pizza. Those are the two things I've never left behind.

Let me tell you something about the porn industry... they're a little short on brains and a little high on coke, but they're scrappy.

Then there's the in-between, not a lipstick lesbian, not a butch dyke. I think that is what I'd be, a sweatpants lesbian.

My penis is like a burn victim after I orgasm. Don't get near it. It hurts. Leave it be.

Should women be on any pills besides birth control? We should just give them all sugar pills for everything, they're so suggestible.

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