Adam Carolla

Quotes

I've never not finished a masturbatory session or a pizza. Those are the two things I've never left behind.

Then there's the in-between, not a lipstick lesbian, not a butch dyke. I think that is what I'd be, a sweatpants lesbian.

You're 28, why are you going to goth clubs? Do what I do, sit at home & wait to die. You don't have to kill yourself, you're just waiting.

Let me tell you something about the porn industry... they're a little short on brains and a little high on coke, but they're scrappy.

My penis is like a burn victim after I orgasm. Don't get near it. It hurts. Leave it be.

All quotes and jokes