Anthony Jeselnik

Quotes

You don’t know anything about pain… You don’t know anything about pain until you’ve seen your own baby drowned in a tub… And you definitely don’t know anything about how to wash a baby.

I just started a fire in a crowded movie theater. Nobody said shit.

If you suspect your baby may be a problem drinker, please call my cell phone because he sounds fun to hang out with.

I have a rare form of body dysmorphia in which I absolutely can’t stand how good I look.

I'm not just offensive, I'm very smart about the way that I do it, and that takes a lot of time. People say that young comics shouldn't be trying these things. That's ridiculous. You should try everything and see what sticks.

All quotes and jokes