Anthony Jeselnik

Quotes

You don’t know anything about pain… You don’t know anything about pain until you’ve seen your own baby drowned in a tub… And you definitely don’t know anything about how to wash a baby.

If you suspect your baby may be a problem drinker, please call my cell phone because he sounds fun to hang out with.

I'm not just offensive, I'm very smart about the way that I do it, and that takes a lot of time. People say that young comics shouldn't be trying these things. That's ridiculous. You should try everything and see what sticks.

What do they call that hat Jewish guys always wear? A Yankees cap.

I wish my family had taken more pictures when I was growing up. Instead of always having to draw everything.

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