Bill Burr


Why would you listen to another human being tell you where you’re going to go when you die? “Dude, have you ever been dead?” “No.” “So, wouldn’t it be safe to assume that you wouldn’t have the slightest fucking idea what you’re talking about.”

I'll tell you why -- because, in the unlikely event that we're both on the Titanic and it starts to sink, for some reason, you get to leave with the kids and I have to stay -- that's why I get the dollar more an hour.

You wanna know how you know you’re informed as a protestor? They don’t show your interview on TV.

'Several NFL players said they would support a team mate that came out as gay...' Yeah, why wouldn't you?!

The first guy who got Aids was a French flight attendant. How you like that Frenchie! You know when I come back and run for office, that may be the one that comes back and haunts me.

All quotes and jokes
Profile was viewed 1535 times