Bill Burr


Why would you listen to another human being tell you where you’re going to go when you die? “Dude, have you ever been dead?” “No.” “So, wouldn’t it be safe to assume that you wouldn’t have the slightest fucking idea what you’re talking about.”

This beautiful woman has something written on the side of her body, it says, "whatever is not the stars to hold our destinies, but in ourselves"... I just don’t under - why? why? why do people do that? Is that for when she’s hookin’ up with some guy, right? And he’s bangin’ her doggy style and he kinda leans over, and he looks and then he reads that, and like what’s he supposed to think then? Like, "Da... this bitch is deep!"

You wanna know how you know you’re informed as a protestor? They don’t show your interview on TV.

'Several NFL players said they would support a team mate that came out as gay...' Yeah, why wouldn't you?!

You better believe that they wanna make all their fucking friends jealous, okay? And the greatest thing that could ever happen is if one of their friends is already married and if you go a couple of carats bigger and they can fucking pull that out. That's like their biggest dick competition is whoever has the shiniest fucking rock. You know what I mean? It really is fucking stupid.

All quotes and jokes
Profile was viewed 5863 times