[taking a vacation with his family in Costa Rica] I go "what is it?" And she goes "we're going on a shark feeding frenzy!" Okay, wait... we're in a boat looking down in the water? "No, that's the best part! We're in the water with the sharks!" And I go "have you lost your mind???"
[while snow-skiing with his family] I hit two trees and fell down a ditch. And that was just walking from the lodge.
Ladies, you wake up tomorrow and the newspaper reads "Scientists have discovered a way for men to experience childbirth." That would be awesome.
[during a bit about dogs] That's why they're man's best friend. 'Cause guys want buddies that are dumber than they are. So do women, but they've already got men
I have a 16-year-old daughter. She’s growing up and I don’t know when it happened. I came home the other day and I’m helping my wife fold clothes. I pick up a little pair of skimpy underwear and I go, “Hey, hey, when are you gonna wear these for me?” She goes, “I can’t. They’re your daughter’s.”All quotes and jokes