Bill Engvall

Quotes

I called my pilot 2 weeks before I flew and asked him, "I don’t want to get sick, what should I eat?" He said, "Peanut Butter." I said, "If I eat peanut butter then I won’t get sick?" He said, "no, but it tastes the same comin’ up as it does goin’ down."

To all companies please stop using Xmas songs and inserting your own lyrics. Write your own music. I am boycotting you until you stop.

Welcome to my garage! This is where I go to get away from the honey-do list.

I'm at the register in the clothing store, and i put a pair of pants on the counter. The lady says "You Gonna Buy Those" I said "Nope gonna steal them, just wanna let you see them before I do" Here's your sign!

I was a dork hunter. That’s hard to do. I fell out of a tree.

All quotes and jokes