[taking a vacation with his family in Costa Rica] I go "what is it?" And she goes "we're going on a shark feeding frenzy!" Okay, wait... we're in a boat looking down in the water? "No, that's the best part! We're in the water with the sharks!" And I go "have you lost your mind???"
[while snow-skiing with his family] I hit two trees and fell down a ditch. And that was just walking from the lodge.
[during a bit about dogs] That's why they're man's best friend. 'Cause guys want buddies that are dumber than they are. So do women, but they've already got men
Ladies, you wake up tomorrow and the newspaper reads "Scientists have discovered a way for men to experience childbirth." That would be awesome.
I have a 16-year-old daughter. She’s growing up and I don’t know when it happened. I came home the other day and I’m helping my wife fold clothes. I pick up a little pair of skimpy underwear and I go, “Hey, hey, when are you gonna wear these for me?” She goes, “I can’t. They’re your daughter’s.”All quotes and jokes