Bill Engvall

Quotes

[taking a vacation with his family in Costa Rica] I go "what is it?" And she goes "we're going on a shark feeding frenzy!" Okay, wait... we're in a boat looking down in the water? "No, that's the best part! We're in the water with the sharks!" And I go "have you lost your mind???"

[while snow-skiing with his family] I hit two trees and fell down a ditch. And that was just walking from the lodge.

[during a bit about dogs] That's why they're man's best friend. 'Cause guys want buddies that are dumber than they are. So do women, but they've already got men

Ladies, you wake up tomorrow and the newspaper reads "Scientists have discovered a way for men to experience childbirth." That would be awesome.

Yeah, let me give it a shot! The other, a few weeks ago my car broke down on the road. I had it pulled over to the side, and there’s just smoke pouring out of the motor. A guy stops to see if I’m all right, but he asks the stupid question. He said, “Car break down?” I said, “Nah, car wanted a cigarette, so I pulled over!” Here’s your sign!

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