Bill Maher

Quotes

I have never done heroin. I wouldn’t recommend heroin. But it hasn’t hurt my record collection.

The Bible, if you read it, looks like it started out as a game of Mad Libs. “And then God made woman out of a rib. A rib! Look at that.”

I believe Dr. Kevorkian is onto something. I think he’s great. Because suicide is our way of saying to God, “You can’t fire me. I quit.”

When I was in college I had this hippie girlfriend and she said, “Well, it’s like, when we make love, there’s no me and no you. Our bodies are like one continuous being.” I said, “OK, but how about paying some attention to our dick.”

In my day, girls used to get pinned in high school. That was the big thing. Now they’re getting nailed.

All quotes and jokes