Relationships are a lot like yard sales. They look really fun from a couple hundred feet away, but eventually you realize it's just a bunch of crap you don't need.
Did you ever notice how short the interval is between "I can't wait for summer" and "Fuck this shit"?
If you refuse to see Superman Returns this summer, what you're saying about yourself is: I heart Al Qaeda.
I'm not an alcoholic. I just drink that way.
Basically, I got into stand-up because I’m too egocentric to be an actor and not disciplined enough to be a writer.All quotes and jokes