Christopher Titus


I stopped drinking when I was 17 years old because it’s not good for your health and I fell into a bonfire. Yeah, you’re done there. You don’t need AA. Falling into a bonfire is a one step program.

Haiti fell over? Who built Haiti? Two of the three little pigs?!

He looked like the type of dad that volunteers to hand out the trophies to the losers in Little League. And when did that start?! You don't get a trophy for losing. You get pizza and you shut the fuck up.

I think our collective psychosis is hilarious. With the world moving as fast as it is, if we weren't dysfunctional, we couldn't function.

What? No, dude, I did not try to bring down that plane. If I had tried to bring down that plane, that plane would have come down!

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