Christopher Titus

Quotes

I stopped drinking when I was 17 years old because it’s not good for your health and I fell into a bonfire. Yeah, you’re done there. You don’t need AA. Falling into a bonfire is a one step program.

Fathers and sons are natural enemies. Look at any species. Shark, sees his father in the water, he's not thinking, "Hey dad, wassup ?" He's thinking, "Back off, old man, this surfer carcass is mine." Of course, when his girlfriend swims up and she's like, "Way, you know, there's enough surfer for everybody. You and your dad need to frenzy together more. Leave you father a thigh."

When you're born, you're pure. Unspoiled and trusting. I believed everything and everyone. Then, I met my parents!

People on TV suck. If you ever meet somebody from TV, I want you to punch them right in the face. It'll probably get you on TV.

I think our collective psychosis is hilarious. With the world moving as fast as it is, if we weren't dysfunctional, we couldn't function.

All quotes and jokes
Profile was viewed 577 times