Craig Ferguson

Quotes

I’ve never understood why they call junk mail “spam,” because spam is delicious and junk mail is annoying. But you can still find both under my couch.

Like many of her sex, Sophie was fiercely competitive with other women, working on the crackpot theory that if she could be better in some way, men would like her more, respect her. Make her happy. She never cottoned on that the men she was attracted to, the men who found her attractive, didn’t like women.

There's a commercial break coming and I'm very excited about it and you know why? Because that's what keeps daddy in suits.

If you watch cooking shows on cable, they have lots of British people. Because when you think good cooking, you immediately think Britain.

Bush's memoir is 512 pages. To be fair, 200 of those pages are just games and puzzles.

All quotes and jokes