Comedy's a tough job, man. I've got friends who got cool jobs. One of my friends, he's a porno star. Guess how he got discovered? This girl sat on his lap, and she was like, 'Ooh, you should do porno!' Same girl sat on my lap and was like, 'Ooh, you should tell jokes!'
Chicks can make you flip more than any drug would.
Live life to the fullest everyday, 'cause we never know what day will be our last.
A kid asked me for advise about getting into entertainment? I said you better know how to be happy being broke!
When I started off in DC, you didn’t get viral first. You got funny first.All quotes and jokes