I love Cleveland. The weather just terrible there - too cold. All we want to know in Cleveland is where the hell’s all that global warming we’ve been hearing so much about. That’s all they ever do in the winter, stand outside with an aerosol can. >ssst
You women ever look at men’s bodies like they’re meat? Ever do that when you’re alone with your girlfriends. “Look at that baby - that’s is USDA Choice Prime Cut. Mmm mmm mmm.” My body’s the part they make hot dogs out of.
If I cut myself shaving, sausage gravy comes out. That’s why I always keep a little pile of biscuits next to the sink.
When it rains really hard, I like to run stop signs just to make cops get out of their cars. Make them stand there in the rain in a big puddle. ‘Alright you, know why I stopped you?’ ‘Yeah, know why I ran the sign?’
I've always got stuff in my head in case I meet somebody like Steven Spielberg or someone like that, where I can hopefully say something to them that nobody else has ever said and get a laugh out of them.All quotes and jokes