Hannibal Buress


My neighborhood is changing so much. This place that was a Mexican restaurant is now a small church. Which is very upsetting to me, because I like burritos more than I like Jesus. Because steak burritos are delicious… and they’re real.

I live in New York where in my neighborhood, a lot of dudes have handlebar mustaches. Which is cool if you want to have a handlebar mustache, but don’t try to have a conversation with me like you don’t have a handlebar mustache. Try to talk about regular stuff like music and politics? Nah dude if you got a handlebar mustache, all I want to hear you talk about is slinkys and kazoos and that’s it. Talk about kazoos for a few minutes then you hop on your unicycle and juggle you carnival-faced motherfucker.

Sometimes when I watch porn I get my hoodie on so I feel creepier.

Whenever people are going through a struggle in life, they get really cliche. They say stuff like,  “I’m taking it one day at a time. Just taking it one day at a time.” You know who else is? Everybody. ‘Cause that’s how time works.

‘I’m a gangsta, and gangstas don’t ask questions.’…yes they do ask questions! I thought that was a main point of being a gangster…’Hey, muthafucka, where’s my money??’ that’s a question…”Do you want to die tonight??’ that’s a question too…’what?what?’ That’s two questions.

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