Hannibal Buress


‘I’m a gangsta, and gangstas don’t ask questions.’…yes they do ask questions! I thought that was a main point of being a gangster…’Hey, muthafucka, where’s my money??’ that’s a question…”Do you want to die tonight??’ that’s a question too…’what?what?’ That’s two questions.

I don’t like when people say ‘I’ll pray for you…’. You gon’ pray for me? So basically you’re gonna sit at home and do nothing? That what your prayers are, you doin’ nothing while I struggle with a situation, so don’t pray for me. Make me a sandwich or something. Because I’m very upset right now and I can’t make my own sandwiches, so that’d be cool if you made me a sandwich instead of prayin’

I never use a napkin on my lap at a restaurant…because I believe in myself.

Sometimes when I watch porn I get my hoodie on so I feel creepier.

My neighborhood is changing so much. This place that was a Mexican restaurant is now a small church. Which is very upsetting to me, because I like burritos more than I like Jesus. Because steak burritos are delicious… and they’re real.

All quotes and jokes
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