Hannibal Buress


‘I’m a gangsta, and gangstas don’t ask questions.’…yes they do ask questions! I thought that was a main point of being a gangster…’Hey, muthafucka, where’s my money??’ that’s a question…”Do you want to die tonight??’ that’s a question too…’what?what?’ That’s two questions.

I never use a napkin on my lap at a restaurant…because I believe in myself.

Whenever people are going through a struggle in life, they get really cliche. They say stuff like,  “I’m taking it one day at a time. Just taking it one day at a time.” You know who else is? Everybody. ‘Cause that’s how time works.

I don’t like when people say ‘I’ll pray for you…’. You gon’ pray for me? So basically you’re gonna sit at home and do nothing? That what your prayers are, you doin’ nothing while I struggle with a situation, so don’t pray for me. Make me a sandwich or something. Because I’m very upset right now and I can’t make my own sandwiches, so that’d be cool if you made me a sandwich instead of prayin’

Sometimes when I watch porn I get my hoodie on so I feel creepier.

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