Jeff Ross

Quotes

This girl asked me out one time. She told me she was an actress in porno movies. I’m like, “Alright, when do you want to go out?” She goes, “I’m working Tuesday and Wednesday. How about Thursday?” “Uh, how about Monday?”

“You’re saying I have to whack off in the lobby?”

In the lobby before the show some guy’s like, “Jeff, your eyes look red. Are you stoned?” I’m like, “Dude, it’s my allergies.” He goes, “What are you allergic to?” “Pot”

I’m addicted to the Internet. I check into the hotel. Try to go online on my laptop. Doesn’t work. Call the front desk.

I was walking around downtown the other day and I saw Angela Lansbury in an antique store… She was $800.

All quotes and jokes