I once called my mother during a hurricane. She got on the phone and said, "I can't talk to you, Joey, the lines are down."
The kick of comedy is to think quickly. It's a great kick.
Last week I gave Dean Martin a cigarette lighter. He finished it in one gulp.
My doctor is wonderful. Once, in 1955, when I couldn't afford an operation, he touched up the X-rays.
A woman driver went through a red light. The cop stopped her and said, "Lady, didn't you see that red light?" The woman said, "You've seen one, you've seen them all."All quotes and jokes