Lee Evans

Quotes

We got completely lost driving in, and we asked the way, yeah, why is it that when you ask for directions you always get the village-fucking-idiot!

Old people can't fall asleep in their chair in peace. As soon as they start to nod off you go, "Nan! Nan!" They go, "What? What?" "Oh sorry we thought you'd just di..."

I slept really well last night, I slept like a baby: I pissed the bed four times... and woke up crying five.

[about fizzy drinks machines] Who built that machine, to let that can, filled with gas, fall that far? You know, you put in that coin and it's just like *KABOOM!*

Have you noticed every time there's a murderer on the loose they have that advert pop up from B&Q - "this week, hatchets, half price!"

All quotes and jokes