Michael Ian Black

Quotes

The truth is I feel bad about calling you a whore. I don't know anything about your personal life; my judgment was based on nothing more than a general whorish vibe you give off. You look like you'd screw any squirrel that came your way. You look like you'd even screw the knothole in that tree where you live. But this is all speculation on my part, based on nothing more than your aforementioned whorish vibe and sleazy demeanor. Maybe I'm wrong about you. If so, I apologize. But I really don't think I am.

The first Star Wars trilogy would have been much funnier if the whole time Chewbacca had been pregnant.

I hope you die.... P.S. If you do die, I'm going to go to the funeral and finger your corpse.

Here's how you play: on your drive home tonight... when you get, like, 15, 20 minutes away from your house, take an Ambien -- and then just try to beat it. Really fun, and it makes the last part of the drive go really fast, you guys.

Did my fingering turn you gay? I hope not.

All quotes and jokes