Richard Jeni

Quotes

Going to war over religion is basically killing each other to see who’s got the better imaginary friend.

We can all help other people more than we do…. You’re sitting home. You’re on the couch. It’s one in the morning. And you hear, “For $9 a week you can help this starving child.” Everybody got the nine bucks. How do you not give it to them? You got to rationalize it somehow. You gotta go, “Yeaaah, that kid doesn’t look too hungry to me. Shit, he’s got a bigger belly than I do.”

Know why it takes so many sperm to fetrtilize one egg - cause none of those fuckers will ask for directions.

Why do some people think aquariums are cruel? The fish love it there! They told me. The said, “Truthfully Rich, it's fucking awesome. There's no predators. No nets, no pollution. It's like the ocean without all the bullshit.”

Spiritual is the word people use when they mean they want to be covered whey they die but they're not getting up early on a Sunday.

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