Tommy Cooper

Quotes

A man walks into doctor's office. "What seems to be the problem?" asks the doc. "It's ... um ... well ... I have five penises." replies the man. "Blimey!" says the doctor, "How do your trousers fit?" "Like a glove."

So I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said "Are you two an item?".

You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.

Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

I bought some HP sauce the other day. It's costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years.