Tommy Cooper

Quotes

You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.

So I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said "Are you two an item?".

Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

A man walks into doctor's office. "What seems to be the problem?" asks the doc. "It's ... um ... well ... I have five penises." replies the man. "Blimey!" says the doctor, "How do your trousers fit?" "Like a glove."

I went into a butchers and I said, 'I'll have a pound of sausages. 'He said, 'I'm very sorry, sir, we only serve kilos in here. 'I said, 'Okay then I'll have a pound of kilos.'