Tommy Cooper

Quotes

I went into a butchers and I said, 'I'll have a pound of sausages. 'He said, 'I'm very sorry, sir, we only serve kilos in here. 'I said, 'Okay then I'll have a pound of kilos.'

A man walks into doctor's office. "What seems to be the problem?" asks the doc. "It's ... um ... well ... I have five penises." replies the man. "Blimey!" says the doctor, "How do your trousers fit?" "Like a glove."

You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.

Went to the corner shop - bought 4 corners.

Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

All quotes and jokes