Whitney Cummings

Quotes

Guys who talk about their ex-girlfriend are like girls who talk about their farts.

I used to worry about porn. I used to be like, “Oh my god, my man is watching porn. He doesn’t love me.” or like, “He’s not attracted to me. ” Porn is not a threat to our relationships. I like to think about it like this. Guys watching porn is like women watching the Food Network. We’re both watching things we are never going to freakin’ do.

Stand-up is a lot like sex. There's a lot of crying involved and I get paid to do it.

I really hope cell phones aren't bad for us, but I would like the excuse: 'I can't talk right now. You're giving me cancer.'

I don't get what is so cool about dating DJ's. That's like dating a valet because he drives a nice car.

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