Mitch Hedberg

Quotes

"An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an 'Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order' sign, just 'Escalator Temporarily Stairs...sorry for the convenience.'"

Cavities are made by sugar. So if you need to dig a hole, then lay down some candy bars!

I called the hotel operator and she said, "How can I direct your call?" I said, "Well, you could say 'Action!', and I'll begin to dial. And when I say 'Goodbye', then you can yell 'Cut!'"

That would be cool if the earth's crust was made out of graham cracker. It would disappear just like the ozone layer, but for completely different reasons.

I've always wanted to have a suitcase handcuffed to my wrist. That's not a full joke there! It's filler.

All quotes and jokes