Stand-Up Comedy Quotes and Jokes

16194 quotes

Amish Sex - Oh Jebediah, give it to me you Abraham Lincoln lookin' motherfucker.

Don't use a peanut, a peanut goes rogue. A cashew contours to the tip as if to say, "Let's do this, I'm a cashew."

Snakes have no arms. That's why they don't wear vests.

So he says My wife's a pain in the ass. She's always busting my friggin' agates. My daughter's married to a real loser bastard. And I got a rash so bad on my ass I can't even sit down. But you know me. I can't complain.

Comedy is a camouflage for depression.

I say fuck shoes! Your shoes do not represent you! Neither here, nor in a court of law!

I like it when a flower or a little tuft of grass grows through a crack in the concrete. It's so fucking heroic.

I just bought a microwave fireplace. You can spend an evening in front of it in only eight minutes.

There's no such thing as addiction, there's only things that you enjoy doing more than life.

When I first heard the term 'training bra,' I was freaked out. I was pretty young and I said, 'Did you just say training bra? They're training their chests? I had no idea.' See some lady, her boobs are everywhere. 'What's her deal?' Those are untrained titties.

I don't care for sex. I find it an embarrassing, dull exercise. I prefer sports, where you can win.

Who discovered we could get milk from cows, and what did he think he was doing at the time?

When life gets you down, make a comforter.

If you don't believe drugs have done good things for us, then go home and burn all your records, all your tapes, and all your CDs because every one of those artists who have made brilliant music and enhanced your lives? Real fucking high on drugs. The Beatles were so fucking high they let Ringo sing a few songs.

My friend Steve likes cats. People are always saying “Oh, Steve’s really a cat person”. No he’s not. If Steve were a cat person it’d be, like, “Hey, Steve never goes in the pool”.