Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 6
I’m addicted to placebos. I’d give them up, but it wouldn’t make any difference.
I before e except after c and sounding like a in a neighboring way and on weekends and holidays and all throughout May you'll always be wrong no matter what you say!
Why don't women have crazy men stories? I don't really hear them. And then I realized, it's because if you got a crazy boyfriend, you're going to die. Just something about men, the second they realize they're crazy, it's like, 'Time to kill everything I love.'
I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That's when you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head breaks.
Anal sex is a lot like spinach: if you're forced to have it as a child, you won't enjoy it as an adult.
A man will cut your arm off and throw it in a river, but he'll leave you as a human being intact. He won't fuck with who you are. Women are non-violent, but they will shit inside of your heart.
You know what they say, "There's no reason to ever hit a woman." Shit! There's a reason to hit everybody. You just don't do it. Shit, there's a reason to kick an old man down a flight of stairs. You just don't do it. Ain't nobody above an ass-whooping.
I've got a kid in Africa that I feed, that I clothe, that I school, that I inoculate for 75 cents a day. Which is practically nothing compared to what it cost to send him there.
Never argue with an idiot. They will only bring you down to their level and beat you with experience.
Roses are grey, Violets are a different shade of grey, Lets go chase cars!
Oh no, Mr. Kool-Aid Man, oh no! You better fix that hole in my wall before my dad comes home and beats me with a toaster.
When I finished high school I wanted to take all my graduation money and buy myself a motorcycle. Buy my mom said no. See, she had a brother who died in a horrible motorcycle accident when he was 18. And I could just have his motorcycle.
People always say I couldn’t live in California cause they love seasons too much, yeah I do too that’s why I live in a place that skips the shitty ones.
Ever see this? It’s a homeless guy but he’s got a dog... The dog’s really thrilled with this idea. The dog’s going, "Hey pal, I can do this by myself pretty well. The longest walk in the world you got me on here."